Making Amends
by irishchick
Summary: When Sam can no longer ignore the effect her emotions are having on her life and friendships she turns to a stranger for help. Carter centric. Sam&Daniel friendship. Sam&Jack ship but worth it even if your not a shipper. Complete
1. Chapter 1

Season: Set in the future approximately around the end of season ten.

Contains Slight Spoilers for Season 9

Beta's Note: irishchick has been kind enough to allow me to Beta her story, and post it here for her. So any and all grammer, spelling, and punctuation errors are my fault alone, while the compelling story and fine writing belong solely to Irish. And since you're obviously the sort of thoughtful, well-mannered person who reads the notes at the top of the page. I'm sure you won't mind if I remind you to REVIEW! Your opinions are much appreciated by the author (and me). Thanks. melpomene-muse of tragedy

* * *

Samantha Carter sat in the waiting room. She knew why she was there. She couldn't quite believe she needed to be, but if she was really honest with herself she probably should have been here a long time ago. She could never face going to a military doctor. It was too close to home. She needed someone that didn't have a file with her history, a file that contained every incident that had happened to her in the last ten years in detail on page after page. 

The receptionist approached and Sam was brought back to reality by her presence. If she was going to run, now was the time. But she didn't. She allowed the young woman to escort her from the waiting room into another room. It wasn't quite what she'd imagined it to be. It wasn't cold, or clinical. It didn't have the cliché long couch that you would expect to find. Sam sat in the armchair beside the window that overlooked the busy street below. She was so engrossed in the world outside that she didn't notice Doctor Smith enter the room and sit in the chair opposite.

"Ms. Carter" his voice just traveling over the noise from her own thoughts.

She turned to face him and was surprised by how young he looked.

"Ms. Carter, you've come here today because you feel you need to talk to someone, is that correct?"

"Yes it is. I…I've been having some problems lately."

"Okay Ms. Carter"

"Sam please, you can call me Sam."

"Okay Sam, where would you like to start?"

"Well I'm not sure really"

"How about why you've come here Sam?" His voice was calm and Sam began to relax.

"Lately I've been having some feelings" She said almost in a whisper, as if it was a big secret that no one should hear.

"How would you describe this feeling?"

"I don't know, doubt…fear, it's hard to explain."

"Does this feeling appear in a constant form or periodically?"

"I should explain my job is slightly stressful, I work in well…not ordinary circumstances."

"Yes, under 'Occupation' you wrote Air Force."

"Yes, I'm a scientist, and there is also field work involved."

"Do you think this is the reason for these feeling?"

"Maybe……."

"Sam if we're going to get to the root of your issues you'll have to be honest, not only with me but with yourself. I understand that maybe you can't be completely honest about certain aspects of your life, and that fine okay?"

"Okay"

"So when do these feeling occur?"

"Lately…always" The small crack in her voice as she said this didn't go unnoticed by Doctor Smith.

"Why?"

"I've had a lot of time to think lately. I've had a lot of alone time."

"And before you didn't?"

"No, not really. I've always had friends around"

"And what changed this?"

"I burned some bridges." Sam said quietly, turning her attention back toward the street below.


	2. Chapter 2

"What do you mean by 'burned some bridges' Sam?"

The expression on her face didn't go unnoticed by Dr. Smith. He was sure it was one of regret. He could only guess that in her time in the Air Force she'd lost people.

As if reading his thought, Sam spoke. "We deal with death every day, it's part of the job. It's a terrible thing to imagine but you grow used to it, get used to loosing people, not that it doesn't hurt every time but……"

"It's part of the job"

"Yes it is." It was more of a sigh than a statement.

"There are many ways of losing people Sam. You can lose people by shutting them out too."

"Sometimes shutting them out is better than letting them in, better than getting close to people who, in the end, are going to leave anyway." Her voice rose slightly as she made this comment. "I shouldn't have come here. You could never understand." Sam picked up her purse that she had left resting by her feet when she first entered the office and headed for the door.

"What are you afraid of Sam?" He stood and said to her retreating form. Sam paused in her stride. "What are you afraid of?" he repeated. "You came here to talk but when we start to dig a little you want to run away. I thought you soldiers were supposed to be able to face your fears."

Sam spun around. She wasn't afraid of anything or anybody. She had told herself this before over and over, it had kept her alive more times than not, it was her inner mantra. But for some reason her mouth betrayed her. "Well maybe I'm not the brave little soldier everyone thinks I am."

As she spoke he noticed her shoulders slump as if this comment and the admittance of it had defeated her, and he knew he had her. If he could get her to stay he could help.

"Please sit back down and let's try this one more time. Sam you're here because you have something to say. Something so important that maybe it scares you a little. If you leave now you may never come back again, I'm not going to pass judgment, or tell you you're wrong. I'm here to listen, nothing else."

As she listened to him she realized he was right. If she left that was it, she wouldn't do this again. "Okay… Can I have some water please?" She asked, motioning towards the cabinet in the corner of the room.

"Of course" He made his way over and poured her a glass before walking back over to the seating area and placing the glass on a coffee table that separated their chairs. "Now how about we sit back down?" and did so as he spoke.

Sam made her way across the short distance from were she stood to the chairs. As she sat she picked up the glass of water and started sipping slowly as if trying to draw out the inevitable - the start of a conversation which she knew once started had to finish.

"What do you want me to say?" she kept her eyes fixed on the glass in her hands as if the answer lay in the bottom somewhere.

"Whatever you want" his reassuring tone was one she welcomed.

"You have to understand I've spent my entire adult life keeping secrets, keeping feelings to myself."

"What about your friends, your teammates. Do you talk to them about things?"

"Yeah sometimes, sometimes there are things you don't want to admit to yourself, never mind someone else."

"Like?"

"Like the fact that you're barely holding it together. Like the fact that you fear…" She hesitated finishing the sentence and instead turned her attention to the busy street below. Her eye was drawn to a young man and woman sitting outside a bustling coffee shop. They were laughing at something when the young man wiped a piece of hair out of the woman's face before gently kissing her on the lips. Sam felt like she was watching a private moment and suddenly slightly embarrassed, she turned her focus again to the doctor.

"Fear what Sam?" he asked, trying not to push too much.

"The people I worked with were not just my team but my family. We were all we had, we would have done anything for each other. New people came and went but the three of us were a constant."

"This was a problem?"

"No, it was fine. We had some near misses, some problems, but we always came through and then things began to change" her soft tone was no more than a whisper.

"How did they change?"

"In lots of ways. Looking back I can see it, with every mission that went wrong I'd doubt myself a little more."

"Why?"

"I don't know, really a combination of things."

"You mentioned fear. Was that a factor in your doubts?"

"Yes… The last year I've felt maybe more than I was willing to face. And then well, I had to face it whether I wanted to or not."

"What happened?"

"I cracked…"


	3. Chapter 3

Beta's Note: This chapter was a irishchick/melpomene-muse of tragedy collaboration. Meaning I gave hersome help with the flashback scene. Thanks for letting me help Irish:)

* * *

They sat in silence for a few minutes while Sam gathered her thoughts. She wanted to be honest with him but she also knew that there were many things she couldn't tell him. She had to get it right in her head before she spoke. 

Dr. Smith watched Sam with intrigue. He felt as if he could feel her mind at work. He wondered whether he should call her from her thoughts or let her surface again when she had something to say. But he shouldn't have wasted the thought.

"Sam looked him straight in the eye. "It's complicated" was her only response and he wondered it this woman had some sixth sense.

"Complicated by what?"

"My job" Sam said. Lifting her glass again to her mouth and draining what was left in it before placing it back on the table. "We had a mission. It led us into dangerous territory, but no more than usual"

"And something happened"

"Yes, something that I can't actually say, but to cut a long story short it went wrong and it was my fault."

"Your fault? Are you sure you're not just being hard on yourself?"

"No" she sighed "It was my fault. We got trapped, cornered and there was one way out, a way that required me to use my expertise. But instead of stepping up to the plate and getting us home I went blank. I couldn't think of anything to do. One of my teammates was injured in a scuffle pretty bad, spent a week in the infirmary. And the other I lost completely."

"They died?"

"Technically no, but I stabbed him through the heart."

The doctor raised an eyebrow at this statement.

"Daniel. I stabbed him through the heart and lost one of my best friends while doing so."

"Want to tell me how you managed this Sam?"

Sam took a deep breath. She had tried hard not to think of those brief moments three months ago, when she had hurt Daniel badly enough not to speak to him since. She had been afraid to go to him after that afternoon, and maybe slightly embarrassed too. It had always been them against the bad guys. SG-1 was her family, and she'd torn it apart.

"I had been to see" she paused slightly "Murray in the infirmary. He was still in pretty bad shape. He had been covering Daniel and I while we were trying to figure a way out, well Daniel was mostly, and took the brunt of the enemy's hostility. I was feeling pretty low you know? Self-conscious about what had happened. I went to see Daniel; he had a way of making even the worst situations better."

"And did he?"

"No. Before I knew it I was saying things, like I couldn't control my own mouth, and walking out on him."

"Can you tell me what you said to him?"

Sam let her mind drift back to that time and let the conversation replay again.

* * *

"Sam you can't take responsibility for everything that goes wrong" Daniel told her emphatically. 

"Only for the things that are my fault" Sam replied darkly.

"You can't honestly blame yourself for the things that have happened. I mean think about it, Blaming yourself is like blaming the rest of us by default. If you had the power to prevent your mistakes we should too. Is that what you really think?"

Sam didn't look at him.

"I mean it" Daniel persisted. "Is that how you feel about me Sam? That every mistake I've ever made is my fault?" Daniel searched her for some sign his words were getting through. He waited for the inevitable 'Of course not Daniel' but this time it didn't come. "Sam?"

"You don't blame yourself for any of it?" Sam spoke finally. "Giving Anubis what he needed to destroy Abydos, unburying the Stargate so that Apophis could come though, not being able to save Sha're when you finally found her even though all her Jaffa were already dead…you just, 'buck up' and get over it?" Sam asked bitterly.

Daniel was silent for a long moment before answering. "Just, give me a minute while I try to convince myself you just said that to me." He said quietly.

"Daniel…" Sam started

"Look Sam, _your _guilt is _your _problem. Just because you have issues, don't take it out on me okay?" Daniel's voice was calm with controlled anger.

"I didn't ask for your help." Sam snapped.

"Then why the hell did you come here if you didn't want to talk to me? Isn't that what you do Sam? Hold your feelings in until you can't take it anymore and then dump it on me so I can make you feel better?"

Sam flinched at how pathetic that made her sound.

"I told you _it_ _wasn't your fault_" Daniel said forcefully. "What more do you want from me?"

"I don't want anything from you."

"Then why don't you leave." Daniel invited calmly, his jaw clenched.

Sam turned and walked out, leaving Daniel alone.

* * *

Dr. Smith's mind was whirling. He knew she had probably just said some things she didn't mean to, but it would go no further. It was part of his job and he reassured her on this. 

"What happened after this?" he asked tentatively.

"Murray went home. He was still hurt pretty bad and there was something at home he had to take care of which was going to have him gone for about four months"

"And what about Daniel?"

"I started to avoid him. We were put on down time for two weeks. I spent it buried in my lab and then I heard he was leaving."

"He left"

"Yeah, I overheard it in an elevator. Can you believe that? After ten years he didn't even tell me face to face? I was so hurt and angry even, why didn't he tell me?"

"Maybe he was waiting for an apology. You said yourself you always went to him for comfort. Maybe he felt he'd given you enough and it was your turn to give a little."

Sam didn't reply. He was right. She knew it, he knew it and Daniel knew it.

"When did he leave?"

"About two weeks after I heard, but by then I wasn't there. I'd already requested an assignment at another post. I wanted to leave before he did andwe haven't spoken since. I know he's okay though. We have a mutual friend. They work together and he keeps me posted on how Daniel's doing when I ask."

The doctor looked to her for more information.

"He's our ex CO. Well he's a lot more than that actually."


	4. Chapter 4

"What do you mean?" Dr. Smith asked.

"We're getting married in a few months, that's why I'm here in Washington. He finishes his term in his current position today and we're having a double celebration." A genuine smile appeared on her face for the first time that afternoon.

"Will Daniel be there? You said Daniel and…"

"Jack" Sam supplied.

"Daniel and Jack, they work together?"

"Yes. That's one of the main reasons I'm here. I need you to tell me what to say." Sam shifted forward in her chair, almost pleading with him for an answer. Something, anything that would help her right things with Daniel.

"Sam, I can't tell you that. But why don't you try just talking to him?"

"I can't." She slumped back in her chair. "I…"

"I thought you were good friends, you said you'd been through a lot together. Couldn't you have picked up the phone?"

"You think I didn't try?" Sam asked. "But every time I did I'd panic and hang up the phone. And now that I have to face him, I'm afraid I've left it too long to retrieve what we had. He's very important to me and I miss him. I want to tell him how sorry I am, how stupid I've been…"

"Then why don't you?"

"What?"

"Tell him what you've told me. If he's truly your friend then he'll understand."

"Maybe your right, but it can't be that easy." Sam said disbelieving.

"The doctors always right Sam."

Sam smiled at his comment and let it sink in. They had been through so much in the last ten years. Been to hell and back quite literally sometimes. Had been each other's rock in times of need. Their passion forthe work they didhad made them respect each other when they first met, but it was something else that made them true friends. Something she didn't quite know or understand herself.

They sat in silence for a while, talking some things through. Eventually it was time for her to leave and Dr. Smith walked her to his office door.

"Thank you" Sam said gratefully.

"All I did was listen Sam; you did all the hard work."

Sam gave the receptionist a smile as she left the waiting area for the busy street below. Standing outside the door and looking across the road she could almost make out people standing in the busy bar through its large glass window. Sam took a deep breath and made her way across the road. As she entered she scanned the room for Jack and spotted him standing at the bar next to Daniel. Daniel had his back to her and didn't see her approach.

"And here is the main reason I'm looking forward to leaving this town." Jack said, looking over Daniel's shoulder, which caused him to turn around.

"Hey, how'd it go?" Jack asked Sam, putting his arm around her.

"Fine. It went fine." She replied nervously, looking at him. She wasn't quite ready to make eye contact with Daniel.

"I'd better go say hello to George. You know how irate he gets if no one pays attention to him." Jack nodded in the direction of his former CO and gently placed a kiss on Sam's forehead before heading off.

And then shefinally looked at Daniel, only to discover he was already looking at her. There was a brief silence as they held eye contact and Sam wished she could just disappear.

The next thing she knew he had reached in between them and took her hand.

"Cold?" He asked quietly.

"Yeah, a little" His warm steady hand was a sharp contrast to her cold shaking one.

"I hear it's about to get warmer." a small smile crept onto his face.

"I hope so" Sam said, and truly meant it.

Jack walked back toward them. "Everything okay guys?" he asked as nonchalantly as he could manage.

"Yeah, everything's just fine." Sam replied.

Maybe things weren't as bad as they'd seemed after all.

---Finito---


End file.
